• berkshirelifecoach

The importance of Yes and No. Setting healthy boundaries.

 In order to be able to set some healthy boundaries and to be able to say no or not now we need to align our thinking with the core belief that it is OK to say no. From an early age many of us have a blueprint that it is not OK to say no when people ask us to do something or to be involved in something. In the moment it can be really hard to say no because we don't want to disappoint anyone. There’s someone standing right there in front of us, and we have the opportunity to contribute and to help them out, it feels so much better to say yes than to say no but while saying no may disappoint them in the moment it is much better in the long run than overcommitting yourself and then not delivering on your promises. I know that most people would rather hear you say no than say yes and then let them down at the last minute or not be able to deliver what you committed to. When you say yes to something take your word seriously, value your word, if you said yes to something value keeping that commitment and avoid making promises you know you cannot or will not keep. Don't take on more than you can handle. When you say no or not now to somebody you're actually doing them a favour, it may not feel like it in that moment but you're setting their expectations, they know where they stand with you and you're doing yourself a favour too because by explaining that you just can't get involved with what they're asking of you at that time they know what to expect, you’ve already made your decision and you've got that off your mind. Whereas, if you say yes to something you know you really haven't got the time for, that's going to be playing on your mind as you try to keep that commitment which you know you really don't have the time to keep. Often, we try to avoid short term relationship pain by saying yes when we know we should really say no. The problem is that then when we break our word, we potentially damage that relationship and maybe others feel they can no longer rely on us. It can be difficult to learn how to say no or not now. If we are serious about changing our relationship with time and serious about committing to those actions that are going to bring us closer to achieving our goals and living the life we envisioned back in Chapter two, we’re going to have to learn what to say yes to and how to say no to the things that don't align with the vision of our life.   Sometimes we find it hard to say no because we're carrying around a mistaken belief that saying no is somehow bad or rude. This can be deeply ingrained in us and can go right back to early childhood when we were encouraged to be compliant and to say yes rather than refusing things. We sometimes say yes when we don't want to because we are worried or concerned about the other persons reaction, we don't want to hurt, offend or upset them. When you’re put on the spot and asked to do something or get involved with something or commit to something it’s easy to find our mouth saying, “yes sure I can do that for you” whilst our brain is saying “no no what you are saying, be quiet”. Saying yes seems to trip naturally off the tongue for some people, I should know I'm one of these people. It can be really helpful to have some stock phrases, things that you feel comfortable with tucked in your hat for these occasions where you feel you've been put on the spot. One I find really useful is  “wow that sounds great, I just haven't got the capacity to get involved at the moment”. something that manages the other persons expectations fairly, that encourages them but doesn't lead them on to thinking that you may be going to say yes when you know that you haven't got the time to say yes at the moment. Hold it in your mind that saying no doesn't just help you it helps the other party as well it helps you manage your time and priorities it helps them manage their expectations and know where they stand.

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